Cue in Rocky Music!

So I completed my second 5k on the 18th. Im just now writing about it.
See? Lazy.
It wasnt too bad. Of course I only jogged in spurts. Thats probably why it wasnt so bad.
The race was a 5k and a 10k so there were plenty of people who lapped us, zipping passed like we were walking backwards. But there was this one guy was passed us and with each breath, he made this panting/whine/groan noise. It was alarming. But he kept going. Like his legs were dragging him along the path against his will.
I hope he is still alive.
So Im not sure I want to run an entire 5k. That cant be good for you. ;)
Im starting suspect that runners are actually liars, who just say they enjoy it, but secretly they are punishing themselves for something evil they have done in the past. Maybe that panting/whining/groaning man abandoned his mother in a nursing home.
In the end, I did manage to improve my time by 8 minutes.
Which I guess is saying something. But its kind of like the 500 pound man who lost 50 pounds. Sure thats a lot of weight to lose.
...but....(you get where Im going with this?)
Sure you improved your time by 8 minutes. Of course you still took 49 minutes to go 3 miles.
But hey, I will take what I can get.
*high five* Conrats 500 pound man! Congrats.

The Power of the Veg

Seems these past few days that Ive been leaning more towards the Couch part of the Couch to 5K. Sigh.
Truth be told, I have been sidelined by recent dental work.
Truth be told some more, I was pretty lazy before the dental appointment.

Must work on this.

I do have a 5k in a month. A 5k.
Not a couch. If that were the case, I'd be ready to lounge my ass to a medal. AAAW YEAH BABY!
"Can you bring my medal over here? Im in the middle of a wicked recline and dont want to ruin it."

But alas, its a 5k.

Must work on this.

Though I guess, if you only beat the seniors and toddlers in your last 5k, then simply showing up will almost certainly show a marked improvement.

Ok, thats the couch talking.

Snooze Button

Yesterday was supposed to be my evening to jog, but my husband snagged the kid free pass before I could get it, so I wasn't able to.
Which I suppose is just as well considering when I went to the park that afternoon with my kids I raced my 5 year old down the sidewalk, and that short sprint was enough to jolt my shins out of their self-induced comas, scream and twitch in horror then pass back out.
I'm not kidding.
That's exactly what happened.
My shins are pissed off.

Like bears that went to bed angry.

Its never good to wake a bear that went to bed angry.

People lose limbs that way.

It's really best to let them sleep.

I'm going to wake them tomorrow by sprinkling rose petals on them then asking them if they'd like a mocha.
Then maybe suggest we go for a walk, then while we are walking and enjoying ourselves I will approach them with the whole jogging thing again. Perhaps by then they will be a bit more receptive to the idea. Good plan, no? ;)

Title Change Perhaps?

You know those videos (and I know you've seen them, on Americas Funniest Home Videos, and shows like Idiots Caught on Tape) of the big woman trying to para-sail and she gets air born, then drops and goes up again, comes down, gets her face dragged in the sand then eventually takes flight hanging upside down by one leg before dropping into the ocean with a humiliating splash?
Know what Im talking about?
Thats me trying to transition into the world of jogging.
Im that square peg. Jogging seems to be the round hole. My body is trying to convince me this isnt the way to go.
My shins feel like the muscle has been ripped off the bone, then tacks driven into the bone, the the muscle stuck back on with a nail gun.
Even my mutant-tiny ears aren't helping me. They keep dropping the earphones I stuck on them to drown out the cries as I thunder down the pavement.
Perhaps this needs to be the As Yet Untitled Blog About One Woman's Quest to Find Enjoyment in Walking Really Really Fast.

35 year old Club Kid

Last summer when I started the Couch to 5k program, I did little more than look at the recommended schedule, grab a stop watch and hit the street.
But it got progressively harder trying to count the seconds on my watch while trying to prevent my heart from arresting and my shins from exploding. When I decided to pick it back up this time around, I have to admit I was going to go rogue and leave the stop watch at home and wing it.
Then a friend let me in on a little secret.
You can download a program right onto your MP3 player.
(yeah I said MP3, not an iPod. If you were paying attention, you also saw that I was using a stop watch and cant count seconds and jog at the same time. We be simple folk. Got it? Ok back to my tale)
Anyways, this program comes complete with house music and reminders of when its time to walk, and when its time to jog. I felt like I was in a night club.
Only instead of dancing around the DJs turntables, you are running outside in broad daylight and the DJ is riding along in a car beside you, dousing your lungs with gasoline and flicking matches at you.
I will admit though, that the torture was much more tolerable when you dont have to count and there's music blaring in your ears covering up the whimpering.

And so begins the odyssey. (again)

Im not dead! Im not a runner yet though....

Wish I could say Ive been busy channeling Forrest Gump and running across the country and growing a beard. In reality, all Ive done is grow the beard. Sucks to get old. But thats a story for another day..
As you can see, I stopped jogging and stopped blogging. I still find jogging vile, but after my feeble attempts were crippled by a jogging stroller with 80 pounds of kids strapped in, I got to sit and eat all winter and now have a renewed interest. Its like some perverse fascination I have. I want to be a runner. But I hate running. What the hell is that?
I was so interested in fact that I grabbed a friend and we signed up for a 5k. I knew not to have high expectations and I knew this was going to be a 5k walk, but I think I felt like if I was hanging around all the runners that maybe it would rub off on me. So we walked.
Fast I thought too. Even jogged a bit. Ok, like an itty bitty bit. But still. We were not the last people to cross the finish line either.
And for half a second we were actually kind of proud of the 56 minute time we got. (Technically it was 54 minutes. The walkers are at the very end of the pack at the start of the race and it took us 2 minutes to get to the dang starting line. So TWO MINUTES DONT COUNT DAMMIT!)
Where was I?...oh yes, we were proud. We finished our first 5k. In under an hour. Then I got home and logged on to see the race results.
Um. There were 1025 people total who raced. I think we came in at 750, and 751. And in our age group, I think we were 70 and 71 out of 78.
Doh!
Alright.
We got trampled. We arent done though.
Like the beaten puppy who still comes back with its tail wagging, we are signing up for another in 6 weeks. This time though, perhaps a little training is in order.
I have downloaded the Couch to 5k onto my MP3 player and Im off!
Lets see what happens shall we?

The weight of the world...

Today I ran for 5 miles up a steep incline while carrying two blocks of concrete.

Wait. No.

I jogged less than 1 mile while pushing a pair of children who I suspect have lead in their pants. So I may as well have run uphill with concrete. It was that obnoxious.
And by jog, I mean I panted and sweated and jogged at a pace most people can walk at.
Im lucky to get through a regular jog with that large mass I call a butt trying to drag me down into the gutter. Add 70 pounds of offspring in the front and its like pitting a lion against a one legged zebra.
It's quite unfortunate.

Did I finish? Yes.
Did it hurt? Yes.
Am I enjoying this yet? No.